I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
