woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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