Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
