My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
