you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
