I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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