i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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