I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
