between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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