Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
