I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
