are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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