I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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