Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
