I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
