Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
