so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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