I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
