I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
