Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
