I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
