i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
