This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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