What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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