How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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