I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
