I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
