After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
