actually, I'm a sock model
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
