My sheets look like a crime scene.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I love you.
Bad choice
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
