I met the friendliest cop last night
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
