i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
