Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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