I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
