It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
