Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
