Pants 0. Shit 1.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
