if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just forgot I was standing up.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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