I heard we made out
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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