Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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