Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
