I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
