every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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