Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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