Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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