I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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