im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
