you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
