At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
