He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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