So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You took a bar mat shot.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
