We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
